James Thatcher Payne

Written November 30th 2015

We are one day shy of your due date, and the realization is sinking in that this journey together is almost over. Pregnancy was not always pleasant, but I am trying to appreciate all the final moments together with you in this encapsulated, protected state. Our opposing sleep schedules, you sleeping while I carry you throughout the day only to wake and move when I lay down for the night. Your almost immediate reaction to every meal. I think I’ll miss your movements the most, those random and on time, and those that seemed almost too intentional. Days that were hard, and I was scared or hurting. Days you were less active than usual and I succumbed to worry and sobbing, a single kick proved to be enough consolation. 

I am trying to savor these final moments, but truly I am growing impatient. Every time I see untouched evidence of your impending arrival, I crave your presence. At the depth of my fear is the want for you to be here in my arms already. It’s a surreal experience, fearing and wanting so badly the same outcome. I am currently on the most terrifying and beautiful journey of my life, bringing you into this world. My mind and body are torn from being pulled passionately in new directions. But I know this is preparation for the real task at hand. Being your Momma.

I know it will be hard sometimes, that I should push you into this terrible, beautiful world, while longing to hold you safe inside. But to protect you from the hurt is to keep you from the joy you will experience. I pray that I am not selfish in robbing you from the many life experiences that will make you the person you should become.

I hope you are stubborn, while being open to growing in heart and mind. I hope you are honorable and dutiful like your father and reckless and passionate like me. There will be hard decisions in your life, and I hope you choose the path that leads to happiness over security. I hope you grow a wonderful imagination, without needing to escape to it too often. I hope your hard times are few, but that instead of falling victim you become a better person because of them. I hope you learn from my mistakes, and that they are few in regards to you. 

Above all, I hope that I am the mother you deserve. I pray that I make positive of my experiences, that I don’t use them to hurt you. There will be times when I fall short, but I hope I never hinder how you view yourself or what you can and will accomplish. I don’t have to meet you to know that you are my beautiful boy and will be capable of so many things, only if you are willing to set your mind to them. I hope I am there to experience as many wonderful moments with you as possible. As long as I am alive I will love you and I will always be your Momma.