A Mother Already

There have been many unexpected effects that have accompanied my first pregnancy, but I think the most affected is my mind. Especially in the beginning, I struggled with what I reasoned as pregnancy guilt. I played it off as my being selfish or detached, maybe due to some prenatal hormones, and let false expectations rule.True, I have been disenchanted by a lot of aspects related to pregnancy, but I think it was because I allowed my focus to be lead to the superficial.

Those first moments when I saw the positive symbol on a test, felt like a small implosion in my life. I felt scared, but more than anything, I felt inadequate and so young. I felt irresponsible while feeling responsible for it all. There was so much at stake with our budding marriage and careers. Where things once grew beautifully in my mind, now were being suffocated as I succumbed to my theories. It was my fault, I had betrayed us. I carried these threatening thoughts on my own, making up Geoffrey's feelings in my mind without even asking him or letting him know I was sinking.

As time went on, I carried my "Pregnancy guilt" alone, coming to the ridiculous conclusion that I wasn't feeling connected to my unborn child, expecting some kind of cosmic phenomena that I only assumed happened to everyone who loved their child. I overlooked the fact that I thought about the baby all the time, or was brought to tears more often than not, worrying about his well-being. Here I was day-dreaming about him, suffering through relentless sickness without medication for him, crying for my need to protect him,without realizing I was becoming a mother already.

I see things differently now. Pregnancy is a big pill to swallow when you don't feel prepared in the slightest, and I shouldn't feel like a bad person because it took me a little longer than some to digest it. It's not okay to brand myself as a bad mother before my child is even born because I am scared. I love my child so much already, and hate that I wrote off feelings of inadequacy as equaling not caring about him. It will be an adjustment, but every big change so far has pushed my life into a much better direction.