We like to make plans, my husband and I. Plans for our future, travels, homes, children, in that order. Parenting was always a hope, but one that we planned to push back for five or more years to make all of the current transitions a little easier. Little did I know that life would once again take it's own course, and a pregnancy test for "reassurance" would result in one of the most challenging moments of my life yet. Some of my fears were selfish, but some were deeply rooted from my own childhood and the parent I had always planned to become when I was ready. These first years were supposed to be our time to be selfish with our time and resources. How could I balance my current needy baby of a career with an actual needy baby? What would this do to our new marriage? And what about the fact that I don't feel ready? I feel like a child myself sometimes. But what really haunts me is the big fear, what if I am a bad parent? The life of another human being, while free-willed, will ultimately be affected by my choices, nurturing, and values. Values I'm still figuring out myself.
And then we saw it. Our little one dancing about in place of the bean I was expecting to see. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life, and one of my favorites so far. I never want to forget how the fear dissipated as I looked over at Geoffrey who was smiling just as ridiculously as I was. The unknown was there before our eyes with fingers, toes, and a heartbeat. The coming challenges of moving, natural birth, and raising a human were nonexistent for a beautiful moment.
Now, most of that fear of uncertainty has turned to excitement and anticipation. Don't get me wrong, I still have the worrying, vomit-in-my-mouth-a-bit moments here and there, but I try to focus on the bigger picture. In six months, we are going to be the parents of the most perfect little human being. And while I am scared, I realize the blessing that this truly is, and just how much some long for it. I don't want to take this process for granted, and I know that the trials will all be worth it in the end. Until then, I am working to be the best momma I can possibly be, and appreciative of the fact that there is no one but Geoffrey I would rather be doing this with.