Accountability is one of my most horrible fears. Making a potential downfall publicly known to keep yourself from failing. But that's not always possible. And you cannot take that vulnerable confession back, if anything they'll be watching for it, waiting for it. And sometimes that's the only kick in the pants that will get you where you need to be. Failure is not so foreign. We all face it, we all grow, so why do we cringe and run in fear after it rears it's all too familiar head?
I want to call myself out. Right here. I'm not standing in front of a sea of people, but this will have more potential to be seen than heard. This will be a series of accountability. What I need to improve on.
As a little girl, I loved to paint. It wasn't my calling, but it was my thing. I painted a silly picture of a seal balancing a ball on it's nose. It would be laughable to me now, but that was my masterpiece, painted on the biggest piece of paper I could find at the time. I was so proud. My stepfather at the time was a cruel man, and insults doubled as his small talk. They bounced off of me until he picked up my painting and asked, " So I'm guessing this is trash?" I nodded, mortified and retreated to another room to have a nice little cry. I never thought I could feel so much emotion about something, until my sister dug it out of the trash and clung to it, because she loved it.
I avoid critique. I haven't come close to entering a photo contest on any level, because I know I couldn't handle the constructive criticism. Because my art is the deepest part of me. The depths of my vulnerability, the only thing I believe I can follow through with. It's the very same confidence that makes me insecure. But critique is a good thing, it only shows you what you can improve on for the future. But even the slightest doubt in my work cuts me to the core. I'm so afraid of that person who refers to my work as trash, that I don't give it the chance to be treasured. And who's opinion really means more in the end? The bad sticks around, but the good overpowers it. I am challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone and enter some contests, take the results in stride, and improve upon them.
It's always the fear of being someone's trash, that we miss out on being someone's treasure.